"Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!"

For a few short weeks my cell was home,

There was no place I could roam,

Visitors came often but not for me,

One snickered, “The truth will set you free,”

But the longer I was held, the more I found,

Truth was beyond the court, it was more profound,

Certain truths solidified, like, the sun will always rise,

Unless there’s a big bang kind of surprise,

I believe in love, even in those times of drought,

When everything I tried just didn’t work out,

I believe in God even though some insist,

“There’s no proof that He even exists,”

As other prisoners served the time they got,

They asked me why I was there, “I forgot,”

I said, because I didn’t want to waste my breath,

Saying a truth like, “Give me liberty or give me death,”

I didn’t want my time to be garnished,

All truths could be challenged or punished,

In a short while another judge reduced my time,

Deciding my incarceration didn’t fit the crime,

My lawyer walked me through the first door,

He said, “Please, just listen, don’t say anymore,

See this machine? It detects truth and lies,

But the machine acts almost human, no surprise,

It might believe the truth I’m telling,

Even though it’s lies I’m selling,

If I can tell a lie without batting an eye,

Or tap my finger, the lie will pass by,

I’ll demonstrate with one little test,

What if a tree falls in a forest,

And no one sees or hears the fall,

Is it true that it makes sound at all?

Or what if a man should make a mistake,

And there is no woman to correct or offense to take,

Is it true he made a mistake?

See, the answers prove me out,

The lie detector leaves a lot of doubt,”

We continued until I had passed the last door,

I realized I was closer to truth than before,

If I wanted the truth to correspond to facts,

I had to be careful with all my future acts,

I didn’t need liars who could be trouble,

I would refrain from the truth or burst their bubble,

 I had been making a long mental list,

Of all types of liars that would always exist,

Lawyers, salesmen, fishermen, politicians too,

All have been known to stretch a few,

Eventually the thought crossed my mind,

I’d stay around women and the truth I’d find,

But once in the world and free as a bird,

I was shocked at all the things I heard,

About women lying, dyeing, tanning, all down the block,

Trying to convince they had been missed by time’s clock,

Sharing secrets that weren’t facts to each other,

About her kids, his wife, someone’s brother,

Telling lies often enough that they became the norm,

And the real truths couldn’t weather the storm,

A grain of truth here, a lie there, it was a trend,

The women were truly as bad as their men,

I came to a conclusion that made sense to me,

Truth is a mixture of what we believe and what we see,

Beliefs and disbeliefs, Santa Claus, faeries, or a ghost,

Lying for good reasons, which untruths do we boast?

Truth is something to be proud of, something to inspire,

Otherwise we become kids, “Liar, liar, pants on fire!”

Women Love Santa

Women Love Santa, But What About Me?

Santa, I’m tired of being misunderstood,

You’ve been my hero, the subject of many songs,

This year I’ve tried my very best to be good,

But somehow everything just went wrong,

You’re not a good example, oh no, you’re not,

I’ve heard the song, “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”,

So what about that time you got caught?

That act, I’ll tell you now, won’t win any applause,

At the mall you weren’t nice to a little boy,

Who reluctantly climbed into your ample lap,

You couldn’t remember his special toy,

So the little rascal gave your beard a snap,

When a little girl insisted you weren’t real,

How come your face turned as red as a beet?

When she insisted your name wasn’t Santa, but Bill,

And shouted, “It’s my neighbor, from down the street!”

Santa, women love you and want to sit on your knee,

You’re not so much to look at, don’t you agree?

They’ll set out cookies and milk, dressed in nighties,

So why do you get all the attention, why you and not me?

I want to laugh this year, a little chuckle or two,

Can you find a special someone just for me?

Someone who’s heart is full of love, but not for you,

Let me have just one to love, set her next to the tree,

No one will know our secret, I surely won’t tell,

I’ll keep her warm and hold her tight,

And the following year when you ring those bells,

The chimney will be blocked and you’ll hear me yell,

“Santa, this woman is mine, so stay out of sight,

You don’t want to fight by the Christmas tree,

So take your deer and clear out of here,

This woman is only going to love just me.”